In the coming months, I will offer commentary on the new Era of Hope.
Prior to beginning this series, allow me a one-time blanket analysis, offered for the sake of avoiding the but-but-but-Bush response that every liberal feels obliged to offer whenever the New Order is criticized.
By putting these facts on the table, perhaps we can then consider the politics of 2009 and beyond.
So, let us begin: Every word that George W. Bush said or implied for eight straight years was a lie, except when he answered "yes" to the question, "Are you an evil, racist, homophobic, violent fascist intent on taking over the world?"
He invaded Iraq because he likes to kill children.
He personally and single-handedly caused our economic meltdown because it would make him and his friends richer.
He spent weeks at a time reveling in drunken blackouts, and turned all decision making authority over to Dick Cheney.
He cheated his way through Yale, and wears a bracelet that reads, "What would Hitler do?"
He personally oversaw the torture of every individual incarcerated at Gitmo. And for fun he would watch old videotape of the suffering caused by Katrina.
With that out of the way, let’s take a look at the Democrat party, and some of the change we can believe in.
Following President Obama’s speech to Congress, Joe Biden hit the road to defend his boss, and weigh in on the policies he outlined. On the CBS Early Show, the host informed Vice-President Biden that the show received a question from a viewer named Lisa Hendrickson who asked, “for clear details about how the stimulus package is really going to help small business."
Here is the first half of Vice President Biden’s response:
“I would recommend that woman call my office directly, and I will be able to guide her as to what pieces of this package would be directly helpful to her. For example, it may very well be that she's in a circumstance where she is not able, her customers aren't able to get to her, there's no transit capability, the bridge going across the creek to get to her business needs repair, may very well be that she's in a position where she is unable to access the -- her energy costs are so high by providing smart meters, by being able to bring down the cost of her workforce.”
Brilliant. And so very connected to the struggling small businessman. I remember just last week I was at a meeting with a client, and we were discussing the challenges he was facing.
Me: Your big seller is what?
Client: Hawg feed. And crystal meth, or course.
Me: Do you have a sense of why sales have dropped?
Client: Nope.
Me: Hmmm. No idea at all?
Client: Well, there’s one thing.
Me: Tell me—
Client: We was dynamite fishin’ last summer, and on accident we blew up the bridge ‘et runs over the crick to mah trailer. You kin still git there, but it takes a 4x4.
Me: Ah, the humanity! You’ve encountered the age-old accessibility issue!
Client: Any idears?
Me: None! It would take a miracle—or a miracle worker!
But the Veep’s keen insight into the trials and tribulations of small business went even deeper! His connection to their plight borders on spiritual— In fact, I used his ideas the very next day when meeting with a local car dealer client.
Me: Look, you’re sales are off by 78%—but that’s just a symptom—we need to get to the real problem. This spread sheet says your biggest payables are inventory; payroll; P&C insurance; advertising; health insurance; maintenance and cleaning; repo costs— but where’s your electric bill??!!
Client: It’s on the next page. Next to the line item for key chains and koozies.
Me: Yes! I see the problem, right here! Clearly what we need to do is cut your electric bill by 35 percent! What do you think of that?
Client: That would be great.
Me: What would you do with all that money?
Client: Hire a marketing consultant that isn’t an idiot.
Me: You’re a hater—I bet you don’t even care that Polar Bears are drowning.
After the Vice President of the United States suggested repairing “the bridge across the creek” might save America’s small businesses, one can’t help but ponder what the reporter would ask next.
You or I would have followed up with, “Mr. Vice President, are you just drunk, or as crazy as an Outhouse Mouse?”
But the show’s Hostess, stunned at being so close to one who personally knew The One, could ask nothing tougher than “By the way, do you know the website?”
Time for the Veep to redeem himself. He stammered, said he was embarrassed, then looked offstage to an aide and said, “You know the website number?”
The website… number.
Needless to say, I picked up my telephone and called that website immediately. After they answered, I did a search on the keywords “small business,” and a total of zero matches were found.
Madness! I assumed, of course, this to be the work of a graffiti hacker, who’d removed all the hopeful small business information from the website—so I decided to inform the VP. I must’ve whipped my horse a hundred times as I drove my buggy to the Post Office, where I posted an overnight e-mail to them, complete with tracking and insurance.
I haven’t heard back from the VP, but I’m certain I will—that’s the way this Administration rolls. They don’t just solve problems—they personally solve your specific problems.
At a Town Hall Meeting, Henrietta Hughes told the President she needed housing, but was on a two-year waiting list.
The One told her to speak with his staff after the meeting, and they’d square it away. (Everyone on the waiting list for housing, please take one step backwards.)
Now VP Biden is available to discuss infrastructure and energy policy with every small business owner who has a phone.
It occurs to me that all Bill Clinton ever did was feel your pain—under Barack and Joe, however, the White House will not only feel your pain, they’ll discuss it, analyze it, and massage it with money until it all goes away.
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